The Downtown Women's Club womensDISH blog

Are you duplicating your personal life patterns in the office?

Recently I had a chance to peruse the latest book by Karen Salmansohn, Prince Harming Syndrome: Break Bad Relationship Patterns for Good – 5 essentials for Finding True Love (and they’re not what you think!). The thought that struck me while reading this was whether people could be attracted to equally bad relationships in the office. I’m not talking intimate relationships here, but your basic colleague to colleague, boss to employee relationships.

Salmansohn breaks down relationships into three kinds – only one of which brings true happiness.

1. Relationships of pleasure.  These are ones that are all about pleasures or ego.
2. Relationships of utility.  These are ones you spend time with in hopes of garnering status, fame, power, glory.
3. Relationships of shared virtue.  These are ones who stimulate you, challenge you, inspire you, root for you to grow into your highest potential.

She claims only the last one has the potential for finding a soulmate who is right for you.  However, looking at this list my first thought was , hey … doesn’t the shared virtue one sound like the type of relationship you would like to have with your boss or colleague?  Yet, don’t we sometimes find ourselves in the other types of office relationships?

How can you avoid a toxic relationship in the office?  Salmansohn includes a list of traits quoted in a New York Times article about the psychology of evil. Apparently, psychopaths share the following traits:

• Glibness
• Extreme Charisma
• Need to always be doing something
• Feelings of high self-worth
• Pathological lying
• Proneness to boredom
• Emotional unavailability.

This list struck her because it described an ex-boyfriend (a/k/a Prince Harming).  Hmmmm. We can all probably think back to office colleagues who share these same traits.   And, while they might not be full-fledged psychopaths, they were definitely on the “need to avoid” list. Unfortunately, as Karen did in her relationship, she didn't realize this until the relationship had ended.

What I really felt could be useful in the office, especially when it comes to a boss/employee or mentor/mentee relationship was her list of five traits to seek in a relationship:

1. Does he/she want to be in a committed relationship?
2. Does he/she value growing as a person?
3. Does he/she understand that a relationship is not just about immediate pleasure, but about growth?
4. Does he/she make you feel safe in the relationship to be your fullest potential?
5. Is he/she happy?

These are clearly traits we would want in a boss or mentor.  We’ve all had bad experiences working for a boss who had one foot out the door all the time (always looking to transfer out of the department or even the company); or who seemed to always want you to fail or stay put in your current position.  Then, of course, there are the Devil Wears Prada type bosses who rule by fear and their own unhappiness.  So these are all good traits to consider when you are looking for a mentor or a new job.

Just imagine the potential if you could have personal and professional relationships that were positive influences in your life!

Salmansohn’s book is a great primer for anyone looking to stop their own bad relationship karma.  While it focuses on dating/marriage, the lessons could apply to any relationships within your life.  Catch Karen live at our Downtown Women’s Club event in Manhattan at Kathlin Argiro studio on October 28.  Click here for more details.

Book Review: Keith Ferrazzi has your back

Book Review reprinted with permission from Entrepreneur.com's Top Shelf Reviews.

When Keith Ferrazzi's book Never Eat Alone came out in 2005, I read it and chose not to review it. To me, it was nothing more than a lot of name-dropping by someone (a major extrovert) who wanted to run his life as a nonstop BNI meeting. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But for 99 percent of the rest of the world, even if we wanted to, we couldn't follow his recommendations due to introverted personalities, family obligations, and the fact that many of us startup entrepreneurs needed to focus on the day-to-day operations and sleep more than three or four hours per night.

However, I have a very different take on Ferrazzi's new book, Who's Got Your Back: The Breakthrough Program to Build Deep, Trusting Relationships That Create Success --and Won't Let You Fail. This is the book I wish he had written back then. The difference between the two? In the first book, Ferrazzi taught people "how to mingle," not "how to network." In his new book, amid many mea culpas for the first book (an honorable approach that completely changed my view of Mr. Ferrazzi), he focuses on building relationships rather than building a Rolodex.

Some of my favorite sections from the book include the following:

He notes that the secret to getting into the "club" (e.g., any group of top executives who all do business with one another) is "[caring] about other people's success rather than just your own. It was a skill that business schools and too many people overlooked."

I liked the model he used for this book of Jean Nidetch, the founder of Weight Watchers, building support systems to accomplish goals. "Exceptional achievement in work and life is a peer-to-peer collaborative process." Much of the beginning is very personal and talks about how, to the outside world, Ferrazzi seemed to be living the high life always surrounded by adoring fans and colleagues, yet he felt isolated and alone, and his company wasn't making the progress it should have been making.

At their essence, my problems weren’t just business problems. For so many of the daily and strategic issues that a company faces, I relied on the world-class network I had put together, using the insights and guidelines I described in Never Eat Alone. I could turn to any number of clients, lawyers, bankers, vendors, or board members in my network for specific advice. But the help they could give me was relegated to a call here or a coffee there – dribs and drabs. I didn’t have anyone in my life whom I could turn to at any time for a completely candid, no-holds-barred discussion of what was really going on in my life and my business.

My favorite line in the whole book was shortly thereafter where Peter Guber tells him that he needs to be more "elegant," and then explains that he wasn’t talking about Ferrazzi’s appearance but rather "elegance of purpose and activity."

". . . elegance is the art of exerting the minimum amount of effort for the maximum effect, the maximum amount of power and achievement in our life. . . . [Keith] you're one of the smartest people I know, but you're working so frenetically."

Click here to continue reading this review.

Book Review: What if Jane Austen was on Facebook?

A couple of years ago, my co-author Lindsey Pollak and I were struggling with how to write an engaging "how to online network" book.  Then we pondered:  what would Jane Austen do if she were a blogger?  The result:  The Savvy Gal's Guide to Online Networking (or What Would Jane Austen Do?). 

This is why when I heard about the book Ophelia Joined the Group Maidens Who Don't Float: Classic Lit Signs on to Facebook by Sarah Schmelling, I just had to get my hands on it.  Classic Lit + Social Media = Witty Fun!

Now, I took a bit of heat from some Jane Austen "purists" about how disgraceful it was to write a tech book with references to JA.  (Although, those with a sense of humor seemed to enjoy it!).  Nevertheless, my view is:  If we have to put JA into a "how to" tech book to get women to sign on and start using social networks, then bastardize classic lit we must!  And, if you can do it and have some fun, you should go for it.  This is exactly what Schmelling does in her hilarious book.

Schmelling takes classic literature characters and transports them into the modern world by imaging what they would do if handed a computer and access to Facebook.  She creates profiles, pages, news feeds, and has them interact with each other.   For the non-Facebook friendly, the title is a play off the fact that people who join Facebook usually join groups of like minded folks. Poor Ophelia of Hamlet fame would have been relegated to joining the groups of "Maidens who Don't Float;" not to be confused with the group "Men Who Float But Are Still Not Impervious to Bullets" which can count Jay Gatsby among its members.

Some of the sections worked better than others (meaning LOL funny).  What I found the most clever were generally:

• Those sections involving literature that I knew really well (Pride & Prejudice, Great Expectations, Jane Eyre, Anna Karenina, Gatsby, Lolita, Little Women); and
• Those that lent themselves to the genre (i.e. Romeo & Juliet due to the fact that they are teenagers; Lord of the Flies re: having a reunion; Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald unfriending each other; and Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde trading "quips").

If you love literature and are familiar with Facebook, this is a great way to revisit the classics in a whole new light and have a few laughs along the way! Who can resist a chapter titled:  "Elizabeth threw a sheep at Mr. Darcy: The Love and Other Difficulties Network."   I couldn't.

Diane K. Danielson is the CEO of the Downtown Women's Clubs and the author of The Downtown Women's Club Beginner's Guide to Facebook.

Summer reading pick: The Elegance of the Hedgehog

I'm breaking ranks in honor of summer, as reading business books all the time can be limiting even for devout entrepreneurs. This is why I'm reviewing a piece of fiction: Even 24/7/365 business types need to step outside of their bubble once in a while in order to stay fresh, relevant and innovative. I'm also doing this because The Elegance of the Hedgehog was, hands down, the absolute best piece of fiction I have accidentally stumbled upon since The Time Traveler's Wife. Admittedly, some of the appreciation might have been encouraged by the fact that I read half of the book while sitting on the Promenade des Anglaise in Nice, waiting to pick up someone at the airport.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery was one of France's best sellers and the winner of at least four major French book awards. So, no, it has not been endorsed by Oprah and, as such, will likely remain on the "critics and employees" recommended picks section. Nor does it have the annoying "Book club questions" at the back of the book. However, if you are looking for something weightier than chick lit, Harry Potter or the Twilight series, and something more akin to what you would read in a college literature course, you might want to check this out.

The plot involves a French concierge of the lower class who hides her intelligence from the well-to-do residents at No. 7, rue de Grenelle, Paris. As such, it is like a French film where it's more about settings and dialogue than action. What makes the novel soar is the sublime descriptions of human nature both from the concierge and a young intellectual girl who resides in the building as well as the new Japanese resident who brings them all together. Hmmm.  Now that I write that, I realize that there are some similarities to books by my favorite, Jane Austen.

Click here to continue reading this review on my entrepreneur blog ... I know, it has nothing to do with entrepreneurs, but since that's my book review blog ... I decided to take a break from the biz books.

Diane K. Danielson
ceo, Downtown Women's Club

The Sassy Ladies Toolkit for Start-up Business: A Must Read

The new book, The Sassy Ladies Toolkit for Start-up Businesses, is must read for women entrepreneurs across the country interested in staring a business and doing it the right way.  This fun, informative and inspirational book takes the reader on a journey from dreaming about a business to making it a profitable reality.  The book is written in a conversational, down-to-earth style making the reader feel as if The Sassy Ladies are sitting with you, coaching and encouraging you every step of the way.

While the book is only 120 pages, it is jam packed with resources and links to websites, books and tools to support you in your entrepreneurial endeavor.  The Sassy Ladies have an online club that ties in with the book and provides more in-depth learning in six key areas.  These include marketing, sales and revenue, office environment, strategic planning, networking, time management, financial management and self development. 

Who are the Sassy Ladies?  Michelle Girasole, Wendy Hanson and Miriam Perry are wonderfully diverse and talented women who have been there and done that when it comes to small business.  Michelle’s technical expertise is sprinkled throughout the chapters and most helpful in Chapter 4, Working from Home in a section called Technology to the Rescue.  Wendy is an experienced business coach who takes complex business concepts like developing a business plan and pricing your products and breaks it down into bite size pieces for the reader. Miriam is a writer and communication specialist who offers her insights into how to effectively market your product or service to the world.  This talented trio will empower you to get in touch with your sassy side and inspire you to build the business of your dreams.

 

The biggest surprise in reading the book was how helpful it was for me, an entrepreneur with 15 years of experience in small business.  While the concepts of starting with the end vision in mind, profitability, sustainability and marketing were familiar to me, the easy to read, practical approach and end of the chapter exercises provided new ideas for taking my existing business to the next level.

 

If you are thinking about starting a business or want to take your current one to the next level, The Sassy Ladies Toolkit for Start-up Businesses is a great investment and  must read.   

 

 

Kathleen Burns Kingsbury is an accomplished national speaker, international author and sought after money coach in a unique position to empower business women to “talk to their money” and attain financial freedom.   She is also the incoming Co-Director of the Boston DWC.

Do family patterns limit your success?

This month's DWC Indicator article is written by Sylvia Lafair, author of Don't Bring It to Work: Breaking The Family Patterns That Limit Success (Jossey-Bass, March 3, 2009)

 

I'm certain you've all had the experience of looking in the mirror and recognizing you have your father's chin or grandmother's blue eyes. We also inherit our ancestors' ways of thinking and behaving. Thus, our decisions are less totally "ours" than they are a collection of threads from our family tapestry. Thanks to advances in neuroscience we know that unconscious emotions occupy a different region of the brain than conscious perceptions and exert a powerful influence on our actions. The trigger is usually stress!

 

When a co-worker tries to one-up and makes you feel stupid, suddenly you are responding to your older brother who always put you down. When your boss demands that costs be cut, suddenly he is your single mom who could never make ends meet. Reactions happen in milliseconds. As the internal anxiety gauge goes up your ability to respond in a mature manner goes down. I am seeing more and more fear, anger, and defensiveness in offices as the current economy puts stress at a recent all time high.

 

Awareness that an old pattern is activated offers options for deactivation. However, if it stays underground I can guarantee it will be reacted to beyond what is called for in the present situation.

 

In my book I identify the 13 most common patterns in the workplace. Here are three that most women understand: 

 

Super Achievers must excel at everything. Not only do they achieve every conventional measure of career success, their families also must look picture perfect. "Happiness" is not a word used by super achievers; they just say "success." They tend to step over or on anyone and breed resentment at work. The good news is: super achievers who tackle the need to be "the one" become creative collaborators who include and cooperate. They put ego needs aside realizing greatness comes from a group effort.

 

Martyrs go above and beyond what is called for. Martyrs want to be "special" by being needed. They love to suffer and do this quite well. They also use guilt and silence to get across how hard they work. When a martyr changes they become integrators and can work wonders in an organization. Integrators have an amazing ability to help people learn to share the work and everyone feels they are being treated with fairness and respect.

 

Pleasers rarely offer an opinion and say "yes" to everything. They don’t set limits, are ineffective authority figures, and want consensus rather than real solutions. Being popular is key, their mantra, "so long as you are liked you are safe." When a pleaser becomes strong enough to change they become valuable truth tellers, unafraid to stand for what they believe. Truth tellers are transparent; you always know where you are with them. They are the leaders everyone wants to hang out with and learn from.

 

The great news about this work is that with a willingness to become pattern aware you gain tools to make changes that get beyond knee-jerk survival responses so you thrive at work.

 

Learn more about Pattern Aware Leadership at www.patternaware.com or www.ceoptions.com

 

Are you a natural seller?

Do you enjoying selling your product or services?  Or would you prefer to leave the selling to professionals and just do the work that you love?  If you answered yes to the last question then you might want to check out Jim Della Volpe’s new book, Selling for the NON Professional.  The book provides a quick read complete with questions and worksheets on how to overcome obstacles to selling such as fear and doubt as well as important lesson such as persistence and handling rejections.  

 

My favorite part of the book was that you could write in it.  How many times have you purchased a big fancy text book and felt it was too expensive or too pretty to mark up with your thoughts.  No, this book was designed to write in, brainstorm with and use to determine your selling approach for the next 90 days.   At the end, Jim offers a challenge to "engage in business development" for the next 90 days.  Still have questions?  If you buy the book, you get a complimentary 10 minute consultation.

 

While I wished that Coach Jim put more of his expertise and experience into the text, it is a great start for those of you out there looking to make your own business fly with very little or no sales experience.  Check it out at by visiting Jim's website at Growing Tree Partners.  Cover artwork provided by Lois Wood.

An Irreverent Reality Check

This post is excerpted from the original post at http://topshelf.entrepreneur.com.

Of all the books I read in 2008, I thought it was quite fitting to end with Reality Check: The Irreverent Guide to Outsmarting, Outmanaging, and Outmarketing Your Competition, by Guy Kawasaki. This is because my big beef with 2008--besides the nastiness that we all, present company included, succumbed to--was that it exposed our society as one where people could act as if they would never be held accountable for their actions. Blagojevich; Madoff; Stevens; Spitzer; Edwards; auto, insurance and finance execs are the obvious examples that spring to mind. Sort of like their own version of "Guys Gone Wild!" But we all have experienced these "not my fault" types much closer to home in our own companies and neighborhoods.

This is why I found myself hoping that one day my son would be an entrepreneur. Now, I wouldn’t wish upon him all the stress that comes with being an entrepreneur. However, I do want him to run his own business at least once in his life, even if it's mowing lawns for a summer. Why? Because when you start a business from scratch, at least in the startup phase, you're completely accountable for your actions as well as any success or failure.

This is where Guy’s book, Reality Check, fits in with my end-of-the-year ramblings. It's a straightforward, blunt handbook outlining what it's really like to start and run a business. Yes, there are truckloads of fabulous tips and common sense advice that will make you go "Doh!" However, one theme that struck me was that as an entrepreneur, you will fail and you will make mistakes, but that's part of learning. Own your mistakes, learn from them and move forward. In other words, be accountable.

At first, I thought I would be put off by the book's style as I’m not a huge fan of books made up of blog posts and columns. Yet, I was completely won over by Kawasaki's intro, where he explains that he noticed people using his blog to research past postings and he wanted to provide them with his best information in an easy-to-digest manner. He definitely accomplishes this.

There's too much in here to review, but I'll focus on the handful of the sections I earmarked as thought-provoking enough to put down the book and rethink my business plan (for me, that puts Reality Check in the category of a Top Shelf "Must Read" Top Pick). Although, I admit, there were more than a few sections that I earmarked simply because they made me laugh.

Finish reading this review at:  http://topshelf.entrepreneur.com/2008/12/21/an-irreverent-reality-check/

Freelancing in a down economy

Last month the Downtown Women's Club had Michelle Goodman, author of My So-Called Freelance Life: How to survive and thrive as a creative professional for hire, joined us on a DWC+ Teleclass.  She gave us insights into freelancing in a down economy. Here are a few tidbits:

1. Make yourself more marketable

• Be diverse (skills; subcontracting; fields of expertise; different technologies)
• Be flexible
• Be timely

2. Projects to avoid:

• Those that are below your minimum price
• Those that pay in promotion
• Clients whose companies are shaky
• Clients who you can't pin down to parameters

3.Counterintuitive networking. 

• Learn from other freelancers.
• Find them in person, twitter, facebook, etc.

DWC+ members of the Downtown Women's Club can listen to past teleclasses through our Teleclass Library (Our January teleclasses are not available yet, but will be soon).  Visit http://www.downtownwomensclub.com/teleclass for more information and to see upcoming classes.

Me 2.0 -- Just Like Me, Only Better

This week, I had an opportunity to review an advance copy of Dan Schawbel's Me 2.0: Build a Powerful Brand to Achieve Career Success (April 2009). The focus of the book is on personal branding. However, the emphasis is on how Web 2.0 tools play an integral role in building your personal brand. While Schawbel is targeting younger audiences, if you're looking for a job or worried that you may be looking for a job in the near future, this is a must read--no matter what your age.

Times have changed.

As Schawbel points out "Back then [Diane's note: I’m assuming by "back then" he means the dark ages when I was typing up resumes on my Selectric IBM typewriter], a resume and a cover letter were the sole criteria for the job application screening process. . . . Candidates who appeared qualified on paper were granted standard interviews; hiring managers had only a resume, cover letter and a standard interview at their disposal. It was challenging for candidates to express themselves freely, showcase their full range of talents and stand out from the crowd.”

That statement captures the heart of this book. Readers of Me 2.0 shouldn’t be thinking of "social networking is something I HAVE to do," but really, it should be something I "want" to do because it’s a way to distinguish myself from the rest of the pack.

Over at the Downtown Women’s Club, we survey businesswomen about online networking. What struck me while reading Schawbel's book is that each year, four of the top five reasons women choose not to network online are always "it’s too impersonal," "I can’t leverage my personality," "I’m better on the phone or in person" or some variation of the same. Yet, Web 2.0 is all about letting your personality shine through, even when focusing on your career.

To continue reading this review, visit http://topshelf.entrepreneur.com/2008/11/29/me-20-%e2%80%93-just-like-me-only-better/